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Parenting Teens: Listening Is An Active Process (from www.raisingkids.co.uk)
Listening is the one thing that teenagers
wish their parents would do more of. Listening is not the same as
hearing.
Parent: 'I hear what you say.'
Son: 'Yes, but you're
not listening.'
Listening is not the
same as agreeing
As you listen to your teen,
you may realise that you are never going to agree with him. But don't stop
listening. When he has finished, state briefly and unemotionally what you think
he has said. Then get him to agree that you have properly understood. Then tell
him that you do understand, but you still don't agree. He won't like it; he will
probably accuse you of not listening, but at least you have done him the
courtesy of listening properly and it is possible that you'll get some credit
for that.
Don't let your feelings block your ears
There are many emotional
'triggers' that can stop us from listening. Talking about drugs and sex is
difficult and, instead of listening, parents easily fall into the trap of
lecturing and warning. Chances are, your teen has heard the lecture and had the
warning already. What he wants is information and advice about something that
concerns him. When you feel angry, worried or anxious about what you are
hearing, make a conscious effort to control your feelings and listen.
On a more positive note, more often than not, active listening allows you to see some of the logic and value in the other person's point of view. Assuming right is not all on one side, you can then negotiate to reach a compromise.
We have two ears and one mouth.
We should use
them in proportion.